DO'S

DO let your genuine concern and caring show.

DO be available...to listen, to help with the other kids, or WHATEVER else seems needed at the time.

DO say that you are sorry about what has happened to their family...and them.

DO allow them to express as much grief as they are feeling at the moment and are willing to share.

DO encourage them to be patient with themselves, not to expect too much of themselves, and not to impose any "shoulds" on themselves.

DO allow them to talk about the special, endearing qualities of the family member  they have lost.

DO give special attention to the brothers and sisters...AT the funeral AND in the weeks and months to come.  They, too, are hurt and confused and need attention which their parents may not be able to give them at this time.

DO reassure the family that they did EVERYTHING they possibly could, or whatever else you know to be TRUE and POSITIVE about their relationship with the family member.

DO remember that the grown ups are not the only grieving people.  The children are feeling just as lost, just as devastated the death.  Ask him how they're feeling, and what they needs.

DON'TS

DON'T let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out to the bereaved family.

DON'T avoid them because YOU feel uncomfortable.  Being avoided adds pain to their already unbearable experience.

DON'T say you know how they feel.  Unless you have lost an immediate family member, you DON'T know how they feel at all.

DON'T say "you ought to be feeling better by now" or anything else which implies a judgment about their feelings.

DON'T tell them what they should feel or what they should do.

DON'T change the subject when they mention their dead loved one.

DON'T avoid mentioning the person's name out of your fear of reminding them of their loss.  THEY haven't forgotten for a moment!  And there's no sweeter sound to a child or spouse than that of their loved one's name.

DON'T offer "positive" platitudes about the loss, such as "it was God's will" or "it was all for the best".  They really aren't the least bit comforting.

DON'T point out that to parents grieving a child "at least you can have other children: or are "still young and healthy enough to have other babies".  NO child will replace the child who has died.

DON'T make any comments which in any way suggest that the care at home, in the hospital, or wherever else was inadequate.  Families are plagued with enough feelings of doubt and guilt without any "help" from family and friends.