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At TOUCHSTONE, we hear ourselves telling parents that their children will experience their grief over and over through the next several years, depending on their age. Parents don't like to hear that. However, knowing that this is true and expecting the time to come when your child wants to talk about it, in more and more detail, you as a parent will be ready and equipped when this time comes.
For instance, if the Dad of an 8-year-old dies, he will have to deal with that death first on his 8-year-old's level and capabilities. He probably won't ask a lot of detailed questions. He will not spend long periods of time being sad and crying. His grief will come and go in a much quicker fashion than an adults. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love as much, or feel as much, it's just all he's capable of understanding at this developmental stage. When this child reaches 11, 12, 13, they will (and should) revisit the experience and have a whole different bank of questions and needs. The mind has grown up. The simpler answers that satisfied the 8-year-old are not quite enough for the 12 year old. What kind of cancer? Who was driving the car? Never be surprised to find yourself talking about the death with a developing child around. Expect it and most importantly, encourage it. Invite them to ask questions about anything . . . anytime. And always, always answer them honestly. You don't need to go on and on into detail . . . unless they're asking for detail. And guess what, the older they get the more detail they want. As they reach 15, 16, 17, here we go again. That's the way of the developing mind. As soon as they get to a level where their thinking process is different, the death experience needs to be processed differently.
This is the major disadvantage when a child experienced death.
Not only are they learning way too soon about what death is and how it feels, depending on their age, they can count on opening up the wound a little as they grow older to revisit the life and loss of their loved one. It's natural. They need the added time, attention and understanding of where they were when the death happened, and the freedom to keep the process open until their adult mind has taken control.
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